FMA Shop of Horrors
by Metroids ate my Brain
Summary: A parody of the 1986 cult classic. Starring Edward Elric as Seymour Krelborn, Winry Rockbell as Audrey, Roy Mustang as Mr. Mushnik, and Envy as Orin Scrivello, D.D.S. Also featuring Levi Stubbs as the voice of the plant. Rated for language.
1. The shop

Note: All lyrics taken directly off the computer, so don't yell at me for bad spelling.

_Singing_

Talking

Fullmetal Shop of Horrors

On the 23rd day of the month of September, in an early year in a decade not too long before our own, the human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence.

And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as most enemies often do, in the seemingly most innocent, and unlikely of places.

Scene starts in a run down street. Music starts playing. Enter Lust, Sloth, and Riza.

Lust, Sloth, Riza: _Little shop, little shoppa horrors.  
Little shop, little shoppa terror.  
Call a cop. Little shoppa horrors.  
No, oh, oh, no-oh!_

_Little shop, little shop 'a horrors.  
Bop sh'bop, little shop 'a terror.  
Watch 'em drop! Little shoppa horrors.  
No, oh, oh, no-oh!_

_Shing-a-ling, what a creepy thing  
to be happening!  
Shang-a-lang, feel the sturm  
and drang in the air._

_Sha-la-la, stop right where you are.  
Don't you move a thing.  
You better (tellin' you, you better)  
Tell your mama something's gonna  
get her  
She better (everybody better)  
Beware!_

_Oh, Here it comes, baby  
Tell those bums, baby  
No, oh, oh, no!_

_Oh, Hit the dirt, baby  
Red alert, baby  
No, oh, oh, no!_

_Ally oop, haul it off the stoop  
I'm warning you  
Run away child, your gonna pay  
If you fail!_

_Look around, look who's comming down the Street for you  
You bet 'cha you bey your but  
You bet 'cha  
Best believe it something's  
Come to get 'cha  
Better watch your back and your tail!_

_Little shop, little shoppa horrors.  
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop  
the terror.  
Little shop, little shoppa horrors.  
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!_

Cut to sign on street-Mustang's floral shop-We enter.

Roy Mustang is sitting at his desk. He hasn't had a customer all week. His two employees, Edward and Winry, are a pair of misfits, even for this crap-hole town they call home. Winry, the chronically late one, has been out all night with her no-good boyfriend, and has still not shown up for work. Edward, the live in employee Mustang has practically raised as a son, is dedicated to his work, but very clumsy. Not very good to be clumsy if one works with delicate things like flowers all day. He hears a crashing sound coming from the basement.

Roy: "Edward, what's going on down there!?"

Ed: "Very little, Mr. Mustang."

Winry enters quickly, making sure to not let Mr. Mustang see her face.

Roy: "Ah, so she finally decides to show up for work."

Winry: "Sorry I'm late, how are you doing?"

Roy: "You mean other than the fact that we haven't had a customer all week? I'm doing fine." Another crashing noise is heard. "Edward, what the hell are you doing down there?! Winry, would you mind checking on him for me?"

Winry: "Sure, Mr. Mustang."

Edward comes up the stairs, balancing two boxes of plant pots. It's obviously too much for him, as they slip out of his hands, and fall to the ground.

Roy: "Edward Elric, what the hell have you done to my inventory!?"

Winry: "Sir, don't yell at Ed, it wasn't his fault. Here Ed, let me help you clean it up."

Ed notices something on Winry's cheek. She has a large bruise.

Ed: "Winry, what happened? Mr. Mustang, I think Winry's boyfriend is beating her."

Roy rushes over to check on his employee.

Roy: "Winry, what did that greasy punk do to you? I' telling you, kid, he's not such a nice boy." He hands her some ice. "Here, put this on it. It'll stop the swelling. I think I'm going to close up for today." He sees some bums on the sidewalk by his shop. He runs outside. "Hey, urchins, get off the sidewalks. Shoo, shoo. Move it! No loitering! I can't believe this. Misfit employees, bums on the sidewalk, business is failing, my life is a living hell! That's it, I've had it. Kids, don't bother coming to work tomorrow, I'm closing up for good."

Ed: "Sir, you can't do that!"

Roy: "And why not? I own the store; I can do with it as I please."

Ed: "Well, sir, I was just thinking that we might be able to save the store if we take a different approach to advertising."

Winry: What Ed is trying to say sir, is that if we put an exotic plant or something in the window, people will come in to look. Ed, why don't you show Mr. Mustang the new plant that you got."

Ed runs down to the basement, and produces a very strange-looking plant.

Ed: "I think it might be some kind of Venus fly-trap, but I can't find it in any of my books so I'm pretty sure it's a new species. I call it a Winry II."

Winry: "Oh, Ed, you named your new plant species after me? That's so sweet."

Ed goes and puts the plant in the windowsill, and waits. A man walks in.

Man: "I couldn't help but notice that strange and exotic plant you've got there. What is it?"

Ed: "It's a new species. I call it the Winry II."

Man: "Wherever did you get something like that?"

Ed: "Well, remember about a week ago, when there was that total eclipse of the sun? I was out walking, when I passed by this old Chinese guy who sometimes sells me weird and exotic plants. I looked in his inventory, but he didn't have anything weird for me. I was about to go home, when there was a total eclipse of the sun. Everything got very dark, and I heard a humming noise, like something from another world. When the lights came back, there was this thing sitting there, among the petunias. I had sworn it hadn't been there before, but the old man sold it to me anyways, for a dollar ninety-five."

Man: "Well, that is a fascinating story, and a fascinating plant. Oh, while I'm in here, I think I'll buy some roses for my wife. Can you split a 100?

Roy: "No, unfortunately not."

Man: "Well, I guess I'll just have to but twice as many then."


	2. Grow for me

Roy, Edward, and Winry looked at the man, happy that they had finally gotten a customer. It was Roy that finally broke the silence.

Roy: "One hundred dollars worth of roses? Yes sir. Winry, run downstairs and get this nice man a hundred dollars worth of our finest roses, right now."

Winry: "Yes, Mr. Mustang."

Winry grabbed the flowers, and gave then to the man. He paid the 100, and left.

Roy: "My children, to celebrate, I'm taking us all out to dinner."

Winry: "I'm sorry sir. I can't go. I have a date."

She leaves, disappointed that she has to miss the celebrations.

Ed: "Sir, the two of us can still go, right?"

Just as he finished speaking, the plant wilted, its small trap and stem falling over.

Roy: "Oh, no. You're staying here and taking care of that sick plant."

Ed: "I'm sorry, sir. It's just that the Winry II isn't a very healthy girl."

Roy: "Strictly speaking, neither is the Winry I. Now, I'm going to eat, and when I get back, I want the plant to be healthy again. Don't want our little cash cow dying on us."

With that, Roy left, getting in his car and driving off. Ed took the Winry II downstairs, where he kept his things. He set the plant down on a small table, and sat down on his bed.

Ed: "Well, twoey, I don't know what else to do for you. Are you a sickly little thing, or are you just plain stubborn. What do you want? What do you need?"

Music starts.  
_  
Ed: I've given you sunshine  
I've given you dirt.  
You've given me nothing  
But heartache and hurt.  
I'm beggin' you sweetly.  
I'm down on my knees.  
Oh, please-grow for me!_

_I've given you plant food  
And water to sip.  
I've given you potash.  
You've given me zip.  
Oh God, how I mist you  
Oh pod, how you tease  
Now, please-grow for me!_

_I've given you southern exposure  
To get you to thrive.  
I've pinched you back hard,  
Like I'm s'posed ta.  
You're barely alive.  
I've tried you at levels of moisture  
From desert to mud.  
I've given you grow-lights  
_Ed picks up a piece of trash, and throws it out._  
And mineral supplements.  
_Ed picks up another piece of trash, and throws it out._  
What do you want from me- Blood?  
_Ed picks up a rose, and pricks himself on it. "Ow. Damn roses, damn thorns." As he sucks on his bleeding finger, Ed notices the plant looking happily at the finger._  
I've given you sunlight.  
I've given you rain.  
Looks like you're not happy,  
'Less I open a vein.  
_Ed squeezes his finger, and a few droplets of blood come out. The plant happily laps them up._  
I'll give you a few drops  
If that'll appease.  
Now please-oh please-grow for me!  
_"Well, twoey, please let that be enough. Good night, little plant."

With that, Ed turns out the light, and goes to sleep. Meanwhile, the plant starts to grow, growing taller and getting more leaves, until it's almost big enough to burst out of the tin can being used to hold it.


	3. Somewhere that's green

A week later, Edward is sitting in a radio station waiting room, about to go on the air to talk about his plant.

Lady: "Hey, kid. You're next." She says to Edward. She leads him into the room with the radio's humorist, Jean Havoc. "Mr. Havoc, the kid with the plant is here for you."

Havoc: "Thanks, lady. Here, kid, sit down." He says to Ed "So, it's Edward, right? Good to have you here. So, what kind of weird stuff do you have to talk about today?

Ed produces a large pot with the Winry II in it. It's at least three times bigger than it was last week.

Ed: "Well, sir, I've brought in my plant. It's a new breed of flytrap; I call it the Winry II."

Havoc: "My god, that is something amazing. I wish you listeners at home could see this. I mean, this is truly amazing. Can you tell us all where you found this?"

Ed: "Well, remember that total eclipse of the sun about two weeks ago…"

Back at the flower shop, Mustang is listening to Ed talk about the plant. Winry walks in.

Winry: "I'm sorry I missed Ed's radio show. I wanted to hear it so badly"

Roy: "So, what kept you? Another date with that no-gooder you call a boyfriend? I'm telling you, dump him."

Winry: "I would, but you don't know him. It's not easy to dump him."

The two left the shop, Roy got in his car, and Winry walked across the street to her apartment. At the door, three other women came up to her.

Sloth: "Girl, I don't know who this guy is you been hanging out with, but he is hazardous to your health."

Winry: "Oh, that's for sure, but I can't leave him."

Riza: "Why not?"

Winry: "Well, if I did, he'd get angry, And if he does this to me when he likes me, who knows what he'll do if he doesn't."

Lust: "Girl, dump the chump, and get another guy to protect you."

Riza: "What about the Edward guy you work with?

Winry: "oh, no, we're just friends. And besides, I don't deserve a guy like him."

With that, Winry opened her door, entered the apartment, and locked the door.

Sloth: "That poor child suffers from a low self-image."

Riza: "You got a point."

Lust: "She got a problem."

The three girls leave. Winry is sitting alone in her apartment with her thoughts, pondering what the women outside said.

Winry: "Perhaps they're right. Maybe Ed is what I need."

Music starts.

Winry_: I know Edward's the greatest, but I'm dating a total sadist.  
So I got a black eye and my arm's in a cast.  
Still that Edo's a cutie, and he's got inner beauty  
And I dream of a place  
Where we could be together at last_

_A matchbox of our own  
__A fence of real chain link,  
__A grill out on the patio  
__Disposal in the sink  
__A washer and a dryer and an ironing machine  
__In a tract house that we share  
__Somewhere that's green._

_He rakes and trims the grass  
__He loves to mow and weed  
__I cook like Betty Crocker  
__And I look like Donna Reed  
__There's plastic on the furniture  
__To keep it neat and clean  
__In the Pine-Sol scented air  
__Somewhere that's green_

_Between our frozen dinner  
__And our bedtime, nine-fifteen  
__We snuggle watchin' Lucy  
__On our big, enormous twelve-inch screen_

_I'm his December Bride  
__He's Father, he Knows Best  
__Our kids watch Howdy Doody  
__As the sun sets in the west  
__A picture out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine_

_Far from this crap-hole  
__I dream we'll go  
__somewhere that's green. _

Finished sining, Winry walked over to her window, and, sighing to herself, thinks of a better future.


	4. Enter the dentist

In the shop the next day, there is a mass of people clamoring to see the Winry II. It has grow enormous, as Edward has been slicing his fingers open all night to let the hungry thing eat. The phone rings. Roy picks it up.

Roy: "Hello? Oh, yes good afternoon, Mr. Bradley. Yes, we sent the order out, you haven't gotten them yet? I'll check on it right away." He turns to Edward. "Edward Elric, what happened to Mr. Bradley's order?"

Ed: "Mr. Bradley? Oh, god, I forget."

Roy: "You forgot?! You forgot?! How could you. His funeral home is one of our biggest customers. Go get it right now."

Ed runs in to the stock room, where Winry is hard at work getting orders ready.

Winry: "Ed, what's the matter?"

Ed: "I completely forgot Mr. Bradley's order. I've been forgetting things all day."

Winry: "It's obvious that Mr. Mustang is overworking you."

Ed: "That's ok. After all, I owe him everything. He took me out of the home for boys when I was just a tyke. He gave me a warm place to stay, floors to sweep, toilets to clean, and every other Sunday off."

Winry: "Well, I think you ought to raise your expectations, now that you're getting successful. I think you're suffering from a low self-image. You need to do something nice for yourself. Maybe buy some new clothes. That sweater vest is getting kind of grimy-looking."

Ed: "Well, I've got very poor taste. I'm not a good shopper at all. Not like you, anyway. I mean, unless, you were willing to come with me, and pick things out for me."

Winry: "Sure, but I can't tonight. I have a date."

Roy: "Again with this guy. Look, the guy hurts you more and more each date. Soon, you'll be in the hospital. I'm telling you, dump him."

Winry: "But, he's a professional."

Roy: "What kind of professional drives a motorcycle everywhere?"

Five blocks away, a man pulls up in an alley. He dismounts his motorcycle, and takes a hit of something from out of an asthma breathalyzer. He laughs maniacally. He walks up to a group of ladies.

Lust: "And just who the hell are you?"

Envy: "My name's Envy, I'm looking for…" He pulls out a piece of paper with an address on it. "…1313 Union Avenue."

Sloth: "I'm sorry, but that information will cost you a dollar."

Envy hands her a 20.

Envy: "Here, keep the change, I don't need it."

Sloth: "It's right over there…" She points to her right. "…About five blocks over. But if you're one of those people trying to see the Winry II, you'll have to come back tomorrow. It's closed."

Envy: "No, you got it all wrong. I'm headed there to pick up my date."

Riza: "You're date wouldn't happen to be a girl with a black eye and a broken arm, by any chance?"

Envy: "Hey, yea. How'd you know?"

At this, the girls get angry at him.

Lust: "So, what's your problem to be beating on a defenseless girl like her?"

Envy: "Ladies, please. I'm friendly, truce, okay?" He pulls out the breathalyzer. "Here, you want some nitrous oxide?"

Sloth: "Get lost, vitalis-brain. Winry don't need a guy like you."

Envy: "Please, ladies, I'm not a monster."

Riza: "You could have fooled us."

Envy: "It's an occupational hazard. Please understand. My line of work requires a certain, shall we say, fascination with human pain and suffering. Allow me to explain."

Music starts.

Envy: _When I was younger, just a bad little kid,  
My mama noticed funny things I did,  
Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun  
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done  
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head  
That's when my mama said_

Lust, Sloth, Riza: _What did she say_?

Envy:_ She said, "My boy, I think someday  
You'll find a way  
To make your natural tendencies pay  
You'll be a dentist  
_Envy strips off his leather jacket, revealing a dentists suit underneath. _  
You have a talent for causing things pain  
Son, be a dentist  
People will pay you to be inhumane  
_

_Your temperament's wrong for the priesthood  
And teaching would suit you still less  
Son, be a dentist  
You'll be a success_

_I am your dentist  
And I enjoy the career that I picked  
I am your dentist  
And I get off on the pain I inflict_

_I thrill when I drill a bicuspid  
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted  
_

_And though it may cause my patients distress,  
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me  
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me _  
Envy stops singing, claps his hands together, and gets down on his knees, almost as if to pray.  
"Oh, mama"  
Envy gets back up to his standing position in one fluid, almost catlike motion.  
_'Cause I'm a dentist, and a success!_

With that, Envy hopped back on his motorcycle, and drove off to pick up his date.


	5. Feed me

Ed was cleaning the shop's front when he heard a noise. He looked up just in time to get out of the way as Envy's motorcycle came barreling forward, almost hitting him.

Ed: "Sir, you can't go in there, the shop's closed."

Envy grabbed the front of Ed's shirt, pulling him in close.

Envy: "Relax." He pulled out his breathalyzer. "You want some nitrous oxide?"

Ed: "No thanks, I'm good."

Envy: "Suit yourself."

Envy inhaled some, and laughed. He then started to walk into the store.

Ed: "Sir, I've already told you, you can't go in. The store's closed."

Envy whirled around, and was about to hit Ed, when Winry came out.

Winry: "Ed, this is my date, Envy..."

Envy turned around and looked at Winry

Winry: "…D.D.S."

Envy then turned back around to Ed.

Envy: "Hey, I know you. Sure, I saw you on the news. You're the plant guy, uh, Edward, right. Can I see it?"

Ed: "Well, the shop's closed, but I don't see why not. It's right in here."

Ed led Envy in, and showed him where the plant was sitting.

Envy: "My god, that thing is huge. What'd you call it?"

Ed: "I call it a Winry II, sir."

Envy: "Hrm, catchy. I like it. It's very big, eh?"

Winry: "Shouldn't we be leaving, now?"

Envy turned around. He advanced, threateningly.

Envy: "You're quite the little chatterbox tonight, aren't ya?"

Winry: "Sorry. Shouldn't we be leaving, doctor?"

Envy: "That's much better." He turns to Ed. "You got to train the little critters, don't you?" He hopped on his motorcycle and turned to Winry. "Well, c'mon you stupid slut, get on. Time's a-waistin'." He turns back to Ed, and hands him something. "Here's my card. Listen, if you ever need a root canal or something, just stop on by. It's in the house, okay."

With that said, the two drove off, leaving Ed alone. He walks back into the shop, and looks at his plant.

Ed: "You aught to se the way he treats her, twoey. She deserves a prince, not that sadistic creep. The man's a total disgrace to the dental profession. Sometimes, I think the whole world's gone crazy. Well, at least we have each other. I think I'm gonna close up. I'll see you in the morning."

Ed turned around and started to walk out the door. But the plant started to wilt again, its massive trap hitting the ground, causing Ed to turn around.

Ed: "Oh, no, twoey, not this again. C'mon, I haven't got much left. Just give me a few days to heal and we'll start again on the left hand, okay?

Winry II: "Feed me."

Ed: "I beg your pardon?"

Winry II: "Feed me."

Ed: "Twoey! You talked! You, you opened your trap, your, your thing, and…"

Winry II: "Feed me Elric, feed me now!!"

Ed: "I can't."

Winry II: "Why not? I'm starving?"

Ed: "Look, maybe I can squeeze a bit more out of the right one in an hour."

Winry II: "That's not good enough! I need food now!"

Ed: "What do you want me to do, slit my wrists? Look, I'll run down to the butcher's and get you some nice chopped sirloin, okay?"

Winry II: "Must be blood."

Ed: "Twoey, that's disgusting."

Winry II: "Must be fresh."

Ed: "I don't want to hear this."

Winry II: "Feed me."

Ed: "Does it have to be human?"

Winry II: "Feed me."

Ed: "Does it have to be mine?"

Winry II: "Feed me."

Ed: "Where am I supposed to get it?"

Music starts.

Winry II: _Feed me, Edo  
Feed me all night long  
That's right, boy  
You can do it  
Feed me, Edo  
Feed me all night long  
'Cause if you feed me, Edo  
I can grow up big and strong_

Ed: "You eat blood, Winry II. Let's face it, how am I supposed to keep on feeing you, kill people?"

Winry II: "I'll make it worth your while."

Ed: "What?"

Winry II: "You think this is all a coincidence, baby? The sudden success around here? The press coverage?"

Ed: "Look, you're a plant, an inanimate object."

Winry II shoves Ed down in a chair, and pulls the chair close to himself.

Winry II: "Does this look inanimate to you punk?! If I can talk, and I can move, who's to say I can't do anything I want?"

Ed: "Like what?"

Winry II: "Like deliver, pal. Like see you get everything your pathetic, queasy, heart desires." He releases his hold on Ed and the chair, and Ed gets up. _Would you like a Cadillac car?  
Or a guest shot on Jack Paar?  
How about a date with Hedy Lamarr?  
You gonna git it._

_Would you like to be a big wheel,  
Dinin' out for every meal?  
I'm the plant that can make it all real  
You gonna git it_

_I'm your genie, I'm your friend  
I'm your willing slave  
Take a chance, just feed me and  
You know the kinda eats,  
The kinda red hot treats  
The kinda sticky licky sweets  
I crave_

_Come on, Edward, don't be a putz  
Trust me and your life will surely rival King Tut's  
Show a little 'nitiative, work up the guts  
And you'll git it_

Ed: _I don't know. I don't know  
I have so, so many strong reservations  
_Ed looks over at a knife lying on the counter  
_Should I go and perform mutilations?_

Winry II: "You didn't have nothing till you met me. C'mon, kid, what will it be? Money? Girls? How about that little Winry friend of yours? Think it over. There must be someone you can off real quiet-like, and get me some lunch. _Think about a room at the Ritz  
Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz  
A little nookie gonna clean up your zits  
And you'll git it._

Ed: _Gee I'd like a Harley machine,  
Toolin' around like I was James Dean,  
Makin' all the guys on the corner turn green_

Winry II: _So go git it  
If you wanna be profound  
And you really gotta justify  
Take a breath and look around  
A lot of folks deserve to die_

Ed: "No! Don't say stuff like that. I don't know anybody that deserves to be chopped up and fed to a hungry plant."

Winry II: "Oh, I think you do. What about that dentist whose been seeing Winry, eh. He sure looked like plant food from my perspective."

Ed: "hey, yea. You're right."

Both: _If you want a rationale  
It isn't very hard to see  
Stop and think it over, pal  
The guy sure looks like plant food to me  
__The guy sure looks like plant food to me  
__The guy sure looks like plant food to me._

Ed: _He's so nasty, treatin' her rough,_

Winry II: _Smackin' her around and always talkin' so tough._

Ed: _You need blood, and he's got more than enough_

Winry II: _I need blood, and he's got more than enough_

Both: _You/I need blood and he's got more than enough_

Winry II: "So go get him!"


	6. It's just the gas

The next day, Edward was sitting in the dentist's office, waiting for a chance to kill the sick freak and feed his hungry plant. Meanwhile, Envy was seeing another patient.

Envy: "So, what do you need, my friend?"

Greed: "Well, doctor, I've thought it over for a while, and I think I need a root canal. I'm sure I need a long, slow root canal."

Greed opens his mouth to show Envy.

Envy: "Well, c'mon. If you'll sit down, I'll begin."

Greed: "Yes, doctor." He takes his seat. "Now, I've had a history of dental problems, so I'm almost always seeing one. I went to a terrible dentist on Wednesday, who was recommended to me by somebody I saw on Monday, who's the brother of the man I usually see on Sunday. And their mother actually taught them everything they know about dentistry. She's an incredibly gifted person, although most people think she shouldn't be working on account of the fact that see can't see very well, but if you tell her what the problem is, she can usually find it relatively quick. I wish I had that kind of strength. I can only go for so long, and I…"

Envy: "Shut the hell up."

Greed: "Yes, doctor."

Envy pulls the chair back so he can operate.

Envy:" Comfy?"

Greed: "Yes, doctor."

Envy starts pulling out tools, most of which look as if they belong in a torture chamber, not a dental office.

Greed: "I remember the first time I went to a dentist's office. I thought, Gee, what a swell job. People call you doctor, even though you really aren't. The first dentist I ever saw had the greatest car, he had a corvette…" At this point, Greed had sat up again and was looking at the tools Envy was getting out. He was almost squeeing with delight. "…And then, after he was done, he gave me a candy bar. And I thought to myself, this is what I get, a candy bar? I mean, you go through this thing, and at the end you get chocolate. And so…"

Envy grabs his neck, and shoves him back into a lying down position.

Envy: "Didn't I tell you to shut the hell up!?"

Greed: "I'm sorry doctor, it won't happen again."

Envy: "Good. Now, let's take a look at that mouth."

Out in the waiting room, Edward is still waiting. He pulls a revolver out of his coat, checks it, and silently puts it back in his pocket. Meanwhile, in the operating room, Envy is obviously unhappy that his patient is enjoying the procedure. He stops mid-way in.

Greed: "Doctor, why'd you stop?"

Envy: "Get the hell out of my office. You're enjoying this too much."

Greed: "But, doctor, we're only halfway done. I still need…"

Envy: "I said, get the hell out of my office! You can have it finished somewhere else!"

With that said, Greed gets up, and, unhappily, walks out.

Envy: "Who the hell's next?" He looks down and sees Edward. "Oh, hey, it's you. The plant guy. So what'd ya need? A root canal? Filling? Extraction?"

Ed: "Well, I'm actually not here to have anything done, I…"

Envy: "Sure, you do. Now, c'mon, open up. Say "ah"." Envy grabs Ed's arm, and violently twists it. Ed screams, and Envy looks in. "My god, kid. You're mouth's a mess. You've got cavities, you've got plaque, you're impacted, and you're abscessed. You need a complete oral operation, right now."

Ed: "No!"

Envy: "Listen, kid, there's always time for good oral hygiene." He leads Ed into the operating room, shoves Ed into the chair, and produces a picture of a mouth with rotted teeth. "See, kid. This could happen to you-unless we take immediate action. I'll start right now. Oh, boy, the things I'm gonna do to your mouth. I'm gonna need some nitrous oxide for this."

Ed: "Oh, thank god. I thought you weren't going to use any."

Envy: "Oh, no. The gas isn't for you, kid. It's for me. You see, I find a little laughing gas before an operation increases my pleasure greatly. In fact, I think I'm gonna use my special gas mask. I'll be right back."

Envy leaves for a few seconds to get his mask.

Music starts

Ed: _Now, do it now  
While he's gassing himself to a palpable stupor  
_Ed pulls out the gun_  
The timing's ideal and the moment is super  
To ready and fire and blow the sick bastard away_

_Now, do it now  
Just a flicker of pressure right here, right here on the trigger  
And Winry won't have to put up that freak for another day  
Now- for the girl, now- for the plant  
Now- yes I will... but I can't_

Envy: "Woohoo, I'm really flying now. I'll just take this mask off and I'll…" He tries to pull it off, put he can't, and only succeeds in jamming the gas nozzle. "The mask, It's stuck. Quick, help me get it off." _Don't be fooled if I should giggle  
Like a sappy, happy dope  
It's just the gas, it's got me high  
But don't let that fact deceive you  
Any moment I could die  
Though I giggle and I chortle,  
Bear in mind I'm not immortal  
Why this whole thing strikes me funny  
I don't know- 'cause it really is a rotten way to go_

Ed: _What we have here is an ethical dilemma  
'Less I help him get the mask removed,  
He doesn't have a prayer  
True the gun as never fired,  
But the way events transpired,  
I could finish him with simple laisssez faire_

Envy: _Don't be fooled if I should chuckle  
Like hyenas in a zoo  
It's just the gas, it turns me on  
But don't let my mirth deceive you  
Any moment I'll be gone  
All my vital signs are failing  
'Cause the oxide I'm inhaling  
Makes it difficult as hell to catch my breath  
Are you dumb or hard of hearing?  
Or relieved my end is nearing?  
Are you satisfied? I laughed myself to..._

Envy dies.

Ed: "Death."

Ed drags Envy's body out through the back door, and proceeds to drag it back to the shop.


	7. Mustang and son

Edward dragged Envy's corpse back to the shop's roof, being careful not to attract attention to himself. Once there, he put on a large smock crafted from old newspaper, and, with an axe in hand, proceeded to hack the corpse up into little pieces. Meanwhile, on ground level, Roy was out for a walk. He was about to enter the shop, when he heard a noise coming from the roof. He looked up, and what should he see, but his employee, chopping up a corpse. He runs all the way home. Down at the shop, Ed had finished chopping up the body, and was feeding it to his plant.

Winry II: "More, more!"

Ed: "I can't you ate all of him!"

Winry II: "Well, you better find something else, or else!"

Back to Roy. He has run all the way to his house. Once inside, he plops down on his small couch, and contemplates what he just saw.

Roy: "Holy shit. What the hell did I just see?" He reaches for a glass of whiskey, and, suddenly, he gets an idea. He calls up his lawyer. "Hello, Mr. Armstrong, it's me, Roy."

Armstrong: "What can I do for you, Roy? Have you finally decided to sell the shop?"

Roy: "No, but it does have to do with my shop making money. You see, my employee, Ed, you remember him, right? Well, Ed found a new breed of plant, and it's attracting a lot of customers. But you see, Ed might have to go away for awhile, as he's done something very bad. So my question is, when he goes, who gets ownership of the plant?"

Armstrong: "Well, that depends. I mean, normally, the plant's ownership would revert back to the public, but, I suppose if you were his legal guardian, then you'd get the ownership rights. Does that help you out at all?"

Roy: "Yes, thank you so much."

Roy hangs up, and begins to plan his next move.

The next day, Ed was sweeping the floors, when Roy came in.

Ed: "Sir, you're in early today. What gives?"

Roy: "Well, Edward, I just felt like coming in early to talk. I have a very important question I need to ask you. It will affect both of us."

Ed: "What is it?"

Music starts

Roy: _How would you like to be my son?  
How would you like to be my own  
adopted boy?_  
To himself: (_I__ never liked him much before,  
But count the cash that's in  
the drawer  
I've got no choice- I'm much  
too poor)  
Say yes_

Ed: _What for?_

Roy: _Edward I want to be your dad  
I'll gladly treat you  
Like my blood and my own flesh_

Ed: _Like Ozzie Nelson, Dave and Rick?_

Roy: _Like Honey Fitz and take your pick_

Ed: _Then kiss me quick, I'll be your son_

Roy: _Don't make me sick, just be my son_

_Mustang & Son sounds great  
Three words with the ring of fate  
_

_So say you'll incorporate with me  
A florist's dream come true  
Mustang and his boy, that's you-  
What business we'll do for F.T.D._

Both: _Like Andy Hardy and the Judge  
Like Zeus and Mercury  
Like Dumas Fils and Pere_

Ed: _In trouble, sickness and in wealth_

Roy: _We'll share the plant and share the wealth  
I'll call my lawyer_

Ed: _Call me son_

Both: _Mustang & Son, that's that_

Ed: _Officially I'm your brat_

Both: _Consider the matter closed and done  
Now to the world let's stick  
Our Senior and Junior shtick_

Ed: _Through thin and through thick_

Roy: _Through sloppy and slick_

Both: _Through kiss and through kick  
Mustang & Son!_

Roy: "So you'll do it?"

Ed: "Of course, dad."


	8. Suppertime I

At the end of the day, Ed was once again sweeping the floors. Roy had left, and Ed was alone with his thoughts.

Ed: "I can't believe it. I'm his son."

Music starts

Ed: _Sudden changes surround me  
__Lady luck came and found me  
__Thanks a million for makin' the magic you do._

_Thanks to you, sweet petunia  
__Mustang's taken, a junior  
__And someday, when I own this whole shop,  
__I'll remember, I owe it to you.  
_"Oh, twoey, thanks. Listen, I'm hungry, so I'm going to run down to the corner and pick up some food. I'll be right back."

Winry II: "Kid, you must be dense if you think he's doin' this just for you. The man's a greedy bastard. I know he saw you chopping up that dentist guy, and he's just waiting till the adoption papers are through. Then he'll send you off to jail, and he'll own me. You know what you need to do."

Ed: "No, I'm not going to feed you Mr. Mustang-I mean, dad."

Winry II: "Kid, you don't got a choice if you want to stay out of jail. Here, let me spell it out for you."

Music starts

Winry II: _He's got your number now  
He knows just what you've done  
You've got no place to hide,  
You've got nowhere to run  
He knows your life of crime  
I think it's suppertime_

Ed: "No! I don't want to hear it."

Winry II: "It don't matter, kid" _He's got his facts all straight  
You know he's on your trail  
He's gonna turn you in  
They're gonna put you in jail  
He's got the goods and I'm  
All set for suppertime_

Ed: "I don't care, I won't do it."

Winry II:_ Come on, come on,  
Think about all those offers  
Come on, come on,  
Your future with Winry  
Come on, come on,  
Ain't no time to turn squeamish  
Come on, I swear on all my spores,  
When he's gone the world will be yours, yours  
_"You see, kid. You don't got a choice. You gonna fry, or he gonna die. Now, which one will it be?"

Ed: "I guess I don't have choice, do I?"

Winry II: "Now you're talkin' kid!"

At the end of the day, about a week from the date of Ed and Winry II's conversation, Roy came in with the news.

Roy: "Well, Edward, you're now legally my son. However, there is one thing I'd like to bring up with you. You see, I've started seeing little red dots on the linoleum. So I thought, "Okay, I'm just hallucinating." But I'm not hallucinating. You see, yesterday, I was called down to the police station, to talk about the disappearance of one Evan Norman Vy, or, as he was known among his friends, Envy. Now, if I'm correct, he was Winry's old boyfriend, before he disappeared. So I go down to the station, and the police show me a couple of photos, and a bag-from this shop. Now, the police don't suspect you, but they don't know about the little red dots, or about the dentists uniform I found in the trash. So tell me, son, why'd you do it? Wanted to free up Winry, or was it something else?"

Ed: "Did what, dad?"

Roy: "Murder. I'm talking blood, Elric. I'm talking under my own roof." He pulls the axe that Ed used to chop up Envy from the bag. "An axe murderer. I saw everything, everything you did to her boyfriend. I saw you chopping him up on the roof!"

Ed: "It's true, I chopped him up. But I didn't kill him!"

Roy pulls out a gun, and points the gun at Ed.

Roy: "You're coming to the police."

Ed: "Wait, sir. Before you take me in, don't you want to get the day's receipts out of the safe?"

Roy: "Yes. Go get them now."

Ed: "I can't sir, I've for gotten the combination."

Roy: "You forgot?! Edward, there were thousands of dollars worth in there! Okay, I'll do it. Where'd you put the safe?"

Ed: "I put it in the plant, sir. The one place I thought nobody would think to look for them in."

Roy looked at the plant.

Roy: "So, how am I supposed to open it?"

Ed: "You just knock."

Roy knocks on Winry II's trap, and it opens up. He reaches inside.

Roy: "I don't feel anything."

Ed: "Just try deeper."

Roy goes in deeper, and when he's about 3/4ths of the way in, the plant closes its trop and proceeds to swallow Roy whole.

Ed: "I'm sorry, dad. It was either you or me."


	9. Suppertime II

Edward was not enjoying his newfound fame. Everywhere he went; people would storm to him to ask about the plant. The plant, had, by the way, grown so huge it had now taken over an entire corner of the shop. So one morning, Ed walks into the shop, and there's a whole film crew waiting for him.

Hughes: "And here he is himself- Mr. Edward Elric!"

Ed: "What the hell is going on?"

Hughes: "oh, I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced. I'm Maes Hughes, of NBC News. We're here to do a special on you and your amazing new plant. Now, there are so many questions we have to ask you about this plant." Hughes takes Ed by the arm. "Could you tell our viewers at home, and elsewhere, about this amazing agricultural phenomenon? A phenomenon, I might ad, that has made you one of the most talked about plant scientists in the country." Just then, the plant falls over, eliciting screams from everyone. "Cut! Edward, what the hell is going on? What happened to the god damn greenery?

Ed: "It just needs to be fed."

Hughes: "Well, so feed it."

Ed: "I can't feed it, not now anyways."

Hughes: "Well then I'll feed it. Where the hell do you keep the plant food?"

Ed: "It doesn't eat plant food. And I can't feed it now. Why don't all of you leave me alone? Just go away. Leave me alone. Get out of here."

Winry runs over to Ed and slaps him.

Winry: "Edward, you're hysterical."

Ed: "I know. I'm sorry."

With that, Ed runs out of the store, and to the back of an old alley.

Ed: "What have I done? I never should have fed it, but I did. And now I f I don't feed it I'll lose her. I'll lose everything."

Winry: "Ed? Who are you talking to?"

Ed: What? Nobody."

Winry: "You're acting funny. You've been acting funny ever since Mustang left town. You weren't very nice to those people out there. They were only trying to talk with you."

Ed: "I know, I feel terrible."

Winry: "Oh, you shouldn't. They're coming back tomorrow. And they'll bring you a great big check."

Ed: "They are?"

Winry: "I wish you were enjoying your success."

Ed: "They said they're coming back tomorrow? With money? Then we could afford to get out of here, couldn't we?

Winry: "What do you mean?"

Ed: "That tomorrow we could leave here, together."

Winry: "Together?"

Ed: "Yes, if you'll have me. Winry, will you have me?"

Winry: "What do you mean?"

Ed: "Marry me Winry.

Winry: "Oh, Ed, this is so sudden."

Ed: "Will you?"

Winry: "Sure."

Ed: "Then that's it. We'll go get married right now. I'll be on television, get the money, we'll get out of here. I'll give you a beautiful life, with no plants at all."

Winry: "Ed, you're talking peculiar again."

Ed: "We'll start tonight. We'll go to city hall, get married, and spend the night somewhere safe. We've got to go get ready, right now."

With that, the two soon-to-be newlyweds ran off to get their things ready. Later that night, Ed snuck back into the shop to close it up.

Winry II: "I've been waiting all day. Where the fuck's dinner?"

Ed: "I'm not feeding you any more."

Winry II: "But I'm starving."

Ed: "Under no circumstances will I feed you. I can't keep living with the guilt."

Winry II: "Tough titty."

Ed: "You watch your mouth."

Winry II: "Oh, cut the crap, bring on the meat."

Ed: "You want meat; I'll run down to the corner and pick you up some nice ground round."

Winry II: "Don't do me no favors."

Ed: "That's my final offer."

Winry II:" You sure drive a hard bargain."

Ed opened up the door, and stepped out.

Ed: "And don't think you're getting dessert."

Ed closed the door, and left.

Winry II: "oh, that will be my dessert."

The plant reached over to the counter with one of its branches, opened up the register, and pulled a quarter out of it. He then looked over to the phone, and slipped the coin into the pay slot. He picked up the phone, and dialed Winry's number.

Winry: "Who is this?"

Winry II: _Hey little lady hello._

Winry: "Who, who is this?"

Winry II: _You're looking cute as can be._

Winry: "Is this someone I know?"

Winry II: _You're looking mighty sweet._

Winry: "Edward?"

Winry II: "No, it ain't Edward… It's me!" _You're friendly Winry Two.  
This plant is talking to you._

Winry looks out her window and sees the plant talking on the phone next door.

Winry: "Oh, my god." She drops the phone and comes running over to the shop. "I don't believe it."

Winry II: "Believe it, baby. It talks."

Winry: "Am I, am I dreaming this?"

Winry II: "No, and you ain't in Kansas neither."

Winry: "Something's very wrong here."

Winry II: "I need me some water in the worst way. Look at my branches. I'm dried up. I'm a goner honey."

Music starts

Winry II: _Come on and give me a drink  
_

Winry: "I don't know if I should."

Winry II: _Hey, little lady, be nice_

Winry: "Do you talk to Edward like this?"

Winry II: _Sure do, I'll drink it straight_

Winry: "Your leaves are dry, but…"

Winry II: _Don't need no glass or no ice  
_

Winry: "I'll get the can."

Winry II: _Don't need no twist of lime_

Winry turns around to get the can of water. She turns back around, ready to water the plant.

Winry: "Here we go.

Winry II: _And now it's suppertime!_

The hungry plant wraps its vines around Winry's waist, lifts her into its mouth, and chomps down on Winry. Just then, Ed comes in.


	10. Finale

Ed came in and saw the plant chomping down on his wife. He immediately grabbed the axe underneath the desk, and started to hack away at the plant. Eventually, it let go and he caught Winry as she fell out of its mouth. The two ran out of the store and to the back alley.

Ed: "Are you okay?"

Winry: "Yes."

Ed: "I'm sorry, Winry, I'm just so sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, you especially. It's just that somehow it makes these terrible things happen. I guess I should have stopped when I found out what it lived on, but it was so cute and harmless, and we started getting business, and making money, you liked me…"

Winry: "Edward, do you really think I liked you because of that thing? I've loved you from the moment I came to work here."

Ed: "You mean you'd still like me, even with out the plant?"

Winry: "Of course. I'd still love you."

Ed: "Oh, Winry, you're the most wonderful thing that ever lived. We're going to get that little house you've always wanted, and everything will be okay, you'll see."

Just then, a man walked up to them.

Man: "Hey, if I could just interrupt this little moment here, which one of you is Edward Elric?"

Ed: "That would be me."

Man: "Oh, it's a pleasure. Boy, an I glad to see you. I represent World Botanical Enterprise, and we've got a deal to make for you."

Ed: "What is it?"

Man: "We'd like to take leaf cuttings from your plant, let them grow, and sell them, all across America. Every household will want one. Why, with the right marketing, this could be bigger that hula hoops!"

Ed: "No! Go away! Take your money, get out! Go on, get!"

Man: "Hey, take it easy, kid; we're prepared to offer you a lot of money for this."

Ed: "I don't care; you're not touching the plant. Now get out of here, now."

Man: "Look, I'll come back when you're in a better mood, okay?"

Ed: "No. Get out now!"

The man walks away, obviously frustrated.

Ed: "Winry, are you thinking what I'm thinking? It'll keep on eating; Eating and eating until there's nothing left."

Winry: "You're right. We have to stop it now."

Ed: "No just me. I don't want to lose you again."

Winry: "But, Ed…"

Ed: "No. I'm the one that got us into this; I've got to get us out. This is between me and the vegetable." Ed walked back into the store, where the hungry Winry II was waiting. "every household in America, thousands of you eating. That's what you had in mind all along, isn't it?"

Winry II: "No shit, Sherlock."

Ed: "We're not talking about one hungry plant here; we're talking about world conquest."

Winry II: "And I want to thank you."

Ed: "This ends here. I don't care what it takes. Only one of us gets out of here alive.

Music starts

Winry II: _Better wait a minute.  
Ya better hold the phone.  
Ya better mind your manners.  
Better change your tone._

_Don't you threaten me son.  
You got a lot of gall.  
We gonna do things my way.  
Or we won't do things at all.  
_"Ah-huh, you in trouble now!"  
A surge of energy pulses through Winry II's body, causing the plant's pot to shatter and reveal massive, thick roots.  
_Ya don't know what you're messin' with.  
You got no idea.  
Ya don't know what you're lookin' at  
When you're lookin' here._

_Ya don't know what you're up against,  
No, no way, no how.  
You don't know what you're messin' with,  
But I'm gonna tell you now!_

_Get this straight!  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
And I'm bad.  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
And it looks like you been had.  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,  
So get off my back, get out my face,  
'Cause I'm mean and green  
And I am bad._  
Edward pulls a gun out of the desk, but the plant quickly snatches it out of his hands before he can use it.  
_Wanna save your skin boy?  
You wanna save your hide?  
You wanna see tomorrow?  
You better step aside._  
_Better take a tip boy.  
_The plant starts shooting at Edward, who runs into the back room.  
_Want some good advice?  
Ya better take it easy._  
Winry II picks up the cash register and throws it at the back room window, crashing in at Ed's feet.  
_'Cause you're walkin' on thin ice._  
Ed peeks out of the hole made by the now-trashed register.  
_Ya don't know what you're dealing' with.  
No, you never did.  
Ya don't know what you're lookin' at,  
But that's tough titty, kid!  
_Ed runs back into the main room.  
_The Lion don't sleep tonight,_  
Ed runs to the door and picks up the axe  
_And if you pull his tail, he roars._  
Ed proceeds to swing the axe at Winry II's vines, but the plant, having felt the blade's sting before, quickly evades.  
_Ya say, "That ain't fair?"  
Ya say, "That ain't nice?"  
Ya know what I say? "Up yours!"  
_Winry II uses his vines to grab the axe, throwing it into the broken back room window. "Watch me now!"  
_I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
And I'm bad.  
I'm just a mean green mother, a real disgrace,  
And you've got me violent and mad.  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space,  
Gonna trash your ass! Gonna rock this place!  
I'm mean and green,  
And I am bad._  
He then uses his vines to throw Ed across the room. Ed then hides behind the counter. The clever plant then uses one of his massive roots to split the desk in half, revealing Ed.  
_Don't talk to me about old King-Kong.  
You think he's the worst? Well, you're thinkin' wrong.  
Don't talk to me about Frankenstein.  
He got a temper? -HA! - He ain't got mine_.

_You know I don't come from no black lagoon.  
I'm from past the stars and beyond the moon.  
You can keep the thing,  
Keep the it,  
Keep the creature, they don't mean shit!  
_Ed gets up, and tries to run to the door, but the plant uses his roots to pin Ed to the wall.  
_I got garden style, major moves.  
I got the stuff, and I think that proves,  
You better move it out! Nature calls!  
You got the point? I'm gonna bust your balls!  
_Then the pissed-off photosynthate slams one of his roots into Ed's groin, sending him reeling onto the ground.  
_Here it comes!  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
And I'm bad.  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
A real hard case. You can't beat this trouble, man.  
I'm just a mean green mother from outer space  
So just give it up. It's all over, ace.  
I'm mean and green.  
_Winry II wraps one of his vines onto a support beam_  
I'm mean and green.  
_Winry II wraps another vine around a different support beam_  
I'm mean and green.  
_Winry II wraps yet another vine around a third support beam_  
And I...am...bad!_

Winry II pulls all of the support beams out, causing half the store to collapse. Ed covers himself as best he can. When the whole thing is fallen, Ed emerges from the rubble and grabs a fallen power line.

Ed: "It ends now, you sick monster!"

Winry II: "Oh? And what the fuck can you do now?"

Ed: "This."

Ed plunges the power line into one of Winry II's roots, electrocuting him.

Winry II: "Oh... Shit..."

The plant then exploded, showering Ed with charred plant meat. Ed steps out of the destroyed shop, and finds Winry in the alley.

Winry: "Oh, Ed, I thought you had died when the shop fell down."

Ed: "No, Winry. I'm safe. It's finally over."

Then the two walked away, never looking back at the ruins of their former lives, instead looking forward to the future. Not noticing the tiny Winry II growing out of one of the charred vines.

The End...

Or is it?


End file.
